Milo's Movie Doghouse

Attack the Block

2011-10-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I was too choked up during the final 70 minutes of this film to notice too much, except that primates run amok and threaten to ruin everything, and not to generalize but that sounds awfully familiar. I imagine the filmmakers were saying something about their own impact on our fragile blue ball. I saw this with a couple of people and they found my assessment laughable, but I wouldn’t want to face up to it if I were them either.

That’s not what got the waterworks going for me, though. What stabbed me through the heart was [*spoiler alert!*] the brave canine who was first into the fray, and then first to cross the rainbow bridge in an effort to save his bipedal friends (who, it should be noted, stood and yelled but didn’t follow. Thanks, pals). I defy any hackles not to rise when his final yelps are heard echoing through the night. I myself was so riled, I nearly bit someone (nb: I do not condone biting except in cases of self-defense, or cats).

Attack the Block is one of the best canine dramas I have seen all year, if you can ignore the insensitive people laughing at it.

Pedigree Dogs: Exposed

2010-02-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

This is very exciting. I don’t often get the opportunity to link directly to a movie here, but Pedigree Dogs: Exposed is a film that’s been posted for public consumption and it’s really good! It’s a documentary about how show-dog “breed standards” are leading to some very unhappy dogs through inbreeding and hereditary disease. Thanks, American Kennel Club! (The movie’s about the UK Kennel Club, but the AKC’s equally guilty.)

I’ll admit right up front that I’m no fan of the AKC, but quite honestly it’s only because the AKC is no fan of me. This organization in its infinite wisdom feels that white Boxers are not really Boxers at all and therefore no good for dog shows or the breed in general. Now, maybe it’s just because I’m colorblind, but I’m not a fan of judging individuals just because of their color. But the American Kennel Club is!

By the reaction I get from people you’d think white Boxers are rare. We are, but we shouldn’t be -- something like 25% of us are born this way. Because we can’t be entered into dog shows, though (as if I’d want to be anyway), some breeders kill us when we’re puppies. They also do things like crop our ears (not me!) and dock our tails (they got me there) to conform to said standards. Thanks again, AKC!

And why do these standards exist? Not to make a better dog (see the movie) but to appease some self-important muckleheads who wish to impose their subjective idea of a dog onto actual dogs. I think these maroons were what Mark Twain was talking about when he said: “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

There’s a petition on the same site as the movie. I tried to sign but it’s hard to type a pawprint.

The Road

2010-01-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

Let me say up front that I’m not usually a fan of roads. They tend to be full of cars, which are great to ride in but they make dashing after a squirrel quite precarious. But the road in The Road, I like. Why? Because you can walk on it! Bye-bye cars.

In The Road people eat people, which I honestly hadn’t thought of--people are made of meat?--and that’s kind of a shocker. The pack dynamics displayed by the people are loose at best, with little of the loyalty one comes to expect from a proper pack.

The reason for this chaos is readily apparent: there are no dogs. I’ve said it before (I think) and I guess I’ll have to say it again: if people think dogs are their best friends now, just wait for the zombie/alien/cannibal apocalypse! When the chips are down, help your dogs so your dogs can help you. (Spoiler alert! Okay, there is one dog, which travels with the only group of people who have retained their sense of a pack. And if that's not a lesson I just don't know what is.)

I think that when the end of the world comes, rather than running to the supermarket and eating all the fish and meat I can find, I’m just going to head for the hills. People are too crazy.

Sherlock Holmes

2010-01-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Every great spy has a master puppeteer hiding behind the scenes. Think of what Q does for James Bond. And when the puppeteer goes away? Well, we have only to look at the never-ending confusion of Jason Bourne for a cautionary tale of that scenario.

And so it is with Sherlock Holmes, only in this case the puppet master is a dog, a fine Bulldog subtly played by… by… by… anyone? Bueller? Yes, once again the dog has been left off the credits. This is apparently a British production and I’m not sure what the union situation is over there, but something’s obviously wrong.

In any case, this is a fine example of a dog doing what he can with a role that could easily have turned him into yet another toy-breed doormat. He resists this pigeonholing, though, and provides plot-turning motivation at a couple of key points in the film.

Whether you actually want to follow those turns is up to you; to me this was a mishmash of pop-culture references staple-gunned onto a sepia-toned framework of a bygone era. But I’m just a dog.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

2010-01-11T10:05:00.000-08:00

I saw this great movie the other day. I liked it so much I decided to write a review and post it online -- and discovered I already have a movie blog! Such are the pitfalls of limited long-term memory. On the upside it makes for lots of nice surprises, like when you find your favorite toy under the couch or a well-seasoned bone tucked away in a corner of the yard (Nice and muddy! Yum!).

But back to the film, Fantastic Mr. Fox. Just from the title you know this is a movie that’s going to cater to a canine crowd, and cater it does. Mr. Fox rejects the pressure we all feel to adhere to social norms and deny our wild sides, in favor of shaking the (tasty) stuffing out of a chicken or two now and then. This upsets his wife, who I think is meant to represent the moviegoing public as a whole. Because at the heart of the story is Fox’s desire to straddle the two worlds, that of a roof over one’s head and comfy bed to sleep on, and that of every dog’s desire to roam the countryside and nab a little fresh meat. It’s really a socio-psychological drama of the conflict that creates in Fox, and society.

That Fox is a wily fellow, and he makes it work. Brilliantly, I should add. Now, I’m not saying I won’t try to chase down any foxes that cross my path, but my collar’s off in admiration of what this particular gent accomplishes.

The Hangover

2009-06-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

The Hangover is the worst movie ever. There is a tiger playing a major role. A tiger. Who apparently can't act since he's replaced by a puppet during his most challenging scenes. The presence of a French Bulldog apparently impersonating a stuffed animal does little to make up for it. I’ve said it before, dogs: it’s up to us to turn these roles down (strange how it always seems to be the non-sporting breeds who take them; natch).The story, if you can call it that, is about three betas who lose their friend, and then don’t have the sense to put their noses to the ground and sniff him out.

People are apparently spending their money to go see this. Makes me glad dogs don’t have money.

Up

2009-06-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

I like balloons. They slip, they slide, they float (okay, I admit this freaks me out a bit) and then when you finally pin the little bastards down and sink your teeth into them, they pop. If only squirrels were so accommodating! There are a lot of balloons in Up, which is one reason I liked it.

I also greatly enjoyed the liberal use of dogs (why do the good parts almost always seem to come along in animation? I used to be against cartoon dogs but now I'm rethinking that position) and the conceit that peoples’ ears could be adjusted to hear what dogs are thinking. Very clever! I don’t know if they got an actual dog to give the dogs’ dialogue a polish--it wasn’t me, anyway-- but I thought it was really well done. Some of the most realistic-sounding dog-talk I’ve heard in a movie (I know I’ve expressed my dislike of anthropomorphism before, but in this film the dogs are most certainly dogs). There’s a nice range of characters here and a really nice depiction of pack dynamics; I commend the filmmakers for their sensitivity to dog culture.

The one sour note was the fact no one chased down any of the balloons, but given the film’s other achievements I’ll accept it as a character choice. Oh, and they need to adjust the fit of the 3-D glasses to accommodate a wider range of species (I didn’t smell any cats in the theater though so maybe just a dog-friendly version would suffice). I couldn’t get mine comfortable.

Terminator Salvation

2009-05-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

If there’s one thing I have learned from the Terminator movies, it’s that we dogs are a vital part of the resistance, alerting luckless humans to terminators in their midst. Obviously, though, that technique took a while to develop, because we don’t see any dogs in Terminator Salvation. In fact instead of dogs it seems to be the shaking hands of a human pup that provides the sole early-warning system for impending attack. To me this hardly seems to be a reliable system, and I propose that the events of this movie bear my hunch out. I think this is a cautionary tale in more ways than one: namely, don’t go into the technological apocalypse without dogs! For that bit of subtext I applaud the filmmakers. They’re not subtle about it--there’s a lot of destruction as a result of there not being any dogs in the resistance camp--and I think they drive the point home very well. Kudos.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2009-05-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is another mating story--people never seem to tire of these, like it’s something special--in this case about a pair of people that live in the same place but don’t mate, and we’re supposed to be surprised by that (don’t know who wrote this but apparently they haven’t grasped the idea of estrus cycles). Anyway, then they decide to make a movie about mating and they mate, and then the male leaves. Somehow this is all expected to carry great emotional weight. I don’t know, I just felt like I was missing something, and not just because I’m neutered either. There is a dog in this movie, if you want to call it a dog, very small and docile, it’s basically here for set dressing, and you know, dogs, it’s up to us how we’re portrayed in the media. If you take a role where you’re nothing but an accessory, that’s how people will see us. Someone has to put their paws down and say “Grr!” to those kinds of parts! Let the cats take them! I think this is a first, but I have to say paws-down on this movie even though it features a dog. Sorry.

Frozen River

2009-04-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

There’s only one dog in Frozen River, an American named Dino who is playing --get this -- a Canadian guard dog named Thunder. Yes, Dino got his name in the credits, and good thing too because he does a fine bit of cross-cultural work (I’m sorry my friend but I couldn’t quite tell if you were a German Shepherd or possibly a Malinois, or maybe you have a little Husky in your lineage?). Unfortunately the script doesn’t give Dino much to work with: the usual tough-guy barking but then as soon as his master says a word he immediately turns tail and goes away, and I have to say I don’t see his motivation there as being clear. If my master wants me to stop barking at someone I might -- might -- but I’m certainly not just going to walk away. Who knows what this interloper is going to do next? And perhaps they have treats! So I think the story could have done with a polish, at least the dog’s storyline (and yes, I’m available).

In any event this is a pretty good movie because it’s about some people who give other people rides. The odd thing is, they make the people they’re giving the rides to, ride in the trunk. I don’t know how it is for people but I’m pretty sure we dogs got that outlawed a while ago. Ride in the trunk? Who wants to do that? The best thing about a ride is when you stick your snout out the window and it's: "grassgrassdirtfoodgrassgrassanimalgrasspersondoggrass." It's enough to make your head spin and for me, there's only so much I can take before I just have to pull my head in and snort. Information overload. But for some reason the people in this movie people ride in the trunk. The only thing I can think is that it looks quite cold there (note title) and the trunk may be warmer. In which case, being short-furred myself, I guess I can understand. But I think they’re missing out.

Synecdoche, New York

2009-03-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

As dogs we don’t often get to see people age. We accept that they’re static (as much as our tenuous grasp on “time” will allow, and what is it, anyway?), but in Synecdoche, New York, we watch a person age right before our eyes. It’s a bit shocking, I have to say. They do some odd things with vaguely dog-like overtones. Consider: the guy mates with a female, has a litter, and then moves on… but he’s more than happy to sniff that female if she comes back around (I’m not saying this is right, and BTW I’m neutered so it’s all academic to me). He buys a huge kennel and assembles a pack, then starts building kennels within kennels. The oddest part of this movie, though, is that there are apparently breeds of people! Why did I not know this? There’s the lead-guy breed, which loses fur on top of its head, and the curly-furred female breed, and the light-furred female breed, and it appears to be the lead guy’s mission to assemble these breeds into identical packs and watch their behavior (his job appears to be that of people-trainer so this is totally in character). He does a good job too, with a couple of examples of each breed, so identical-looking you’d have to smell them to tell them apart. I’ve really never seen anything like it; it’s quite something. No wonder the lead guy gets a MacArthur Fellowship!

(As far as the story goes… You know, I have to be honest here and admit that I was working a rawhide which had me pretty well engrossed until toward the end when I started to realize what was happening with the people-breeds. It’s worth seeing, even without any dogs in it, for the people-packs.)

Body of Lies

2009-03-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Body of Lies strives for a gritty, documentary feel, and nails it. Case in point: the lead person gets attacked by guard dogs, and I’m not talking the pumped-up Hollywood types you see in big-budget action flicks. No, these are rangy, slobbering, no doubt flea-infested street fighters, and they do a fine piece of business on the person. In its depictions of dogs’ lives throughout some pretty rough-looking neighborhoods in the Middle East, this movie reminds us that not everyone has a yard to play in and two bowls of kibble a day. As far as I can tell these dogs don’t even have collars, and kudos to the costume department for such attention to detail. I was less pleased when some of the dogs got roughed up, but it’s done pretty realistically and I found myself believing it (and the dog-killing guy never showed up, so I was glad about that). There are also donkeys and heaps of rubbish, both of which had me itching to crawl right into the screen and sniff (there’s a cat too, maybe to enforce a message of equality or something, it didn’t add much to the story). Overall this film continues a “bad dogs” theme we began with Quarantine, and it’s a nice look at some pups who let their inner wolves rule the day (not that we all should; I’m no anarchist). As far as plot goes, we’re presented with more evidence that people are irrational and unpredictable. Every puppy learns not to trust strange people -- you can’t assume they all want to pet you -- and this movie shows why.

Quarantine

2009-02-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

Here we go, a couple of dogs raising hell. Sometimes it’s fun to play the bad guy and two lucky pups get the opportunity -- in spades -- in Quarantine. They should have called it Dog Day Midnight. (Not sure that even makes sense... English is not my first language.) Now, you might growl at the “rabid dog” device and I’m not saying you’d be wrong, but how often do you really see it used in movies? It’s so cliché it’s passé (does that make it risque?), and as such is fair game for some over-the-top antics. I don’t see anything wrong with hamming it up now and then, and ham these dogs do. They froth. They tear. They shred. They savage hapless people in the elevator and in their homes. They flit about in the shadows. These dogs hunt! If it wasn’t for them (and the horror-movie people, careless disease vectors that they are) there would be no transmission of this infection, and therefore not much of a horror movie (a medical drama, maybe). In fact if the quarantine of the title actually worked it would be a whole different ball of wax. Not surprisingly the only person who really has a handle on things is the veterinarian (remember: a good doctor knows more than one species), but he’s a little too prescient for the others and his good deeds most certainly do not go unpunished. There is a section with a night-vision camera, which is interesting I suppose (particularly to cat fanciers), but I wish they’d done a bit with a sniffer-cam. Now THAT would be a movie a dog could get into!

Awards Season

2009-02-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

People have been asking me if I watched the Oscars, and the short answer is: I napped on the couch while the TV was on and didn’t see any chasing, fetching, swimming, or treats. I was certainly pleased to see that Slumdog Millionaire and Wall-E did well. I’ll be more interested in the Genesis Awards (at least I might get to see some dogs) and the No Animals Were Harmed rankings (I’m glad to see Marley & Me, Appaloosa, and okay, even The Dark Knight were recognized). The Oscars are kind of like Westminster: a display of genetic quirks that some imperfect perfectionist somewhere has decided are desirable, all gussied up for the camera. Why should I care? There are too many other things to sniff in the world. Start including dogs -- heck, anything on four legs -- and I might pay attention.

Appaloosa

2009-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

Appaloosa is a classic wild-west “this town isn’t big enough for the two of us” tale, as evidenced by the fact that there is only one dog in the whole town. He is poorly shot and I can’t get too clear a read on him -- a Pointer maybe? -- but he’s busy, because despite an abundance of nice stinky horses you don’t see any horse poop on the streets (well, once, at 52:40, and that’s after things have gotten loud and the dog has wisely headed for a comfy bed somewhere, see below). This place is dog heaven! I’ll take horse poop over deer poop any day. Maybe even cat poop. And our friend the dog just lazes around until the horses bring him fresh treats: we first see him lying in the sun at the edge of the street at 3:54, then sunning himself outside of the mercantile at 29:00. Then the story moves out of town, which sets us up for the obligatory mountain lion shot at 57:00 (a full-face close-up and a reversal, and he completely over-acts the close-up. You can practically see this lion’s ego swelling; I’m surprised his head fits in the frame). I’m not saying this is WAY overdone, but how about a wolf next time? Some coyotes? A fox? Mountain lions are a bunch of thugs and they don’t even have the social skills to form packs. But anyway, that’s about it for the movie. The people scrap a fair amount -- with guns -- and I don’t blame our canine friend for making himself scarce once the shooting starts. Hurts my ears just thinking about it.

Ghost Town

2009-01-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

Ghost Town is a movie with a really confusing plot. It starts with one of the lead guys running into the street and getting run over (this is why there are leash laws, people), but after that it’s like it never happened. Except some of the people ignore him, including his mate. But not the other lead guy, who also wants to mate with her… I don’t know. At some point I stopped trying to understand. But that’s not important. What is important is that the female both males are looking to mate with (as is a third guy, so she’s definitely in heat) owns a noble Great Dane named Leonard, played by two very talented thespians named Phoenix and Jazz. And how do I know that? Because their names are in the credits. German Shepherds may get the action jobs and Golden Labs may be the tear-jerkers, but it turns out the Danes’ union is the only one with a contractual clause to get credit. Hooray! Not that it’s all about the credit, mind you, but it’s nice to see a little love on the screen. Anyway, in this movie Leonard is the rock for the female, the one guy who isn’t trying to mate with her (fixed, I assume), a solid friend waiting at home and willing to forgive all kinds of indignities (bath? tooth-brushing?) to keep her entertained. Another fine depiction of canine bonhomie. And as for Phoenix and Jazz -- if you guys are reading this I’d love an autographed headshot.

Wall-E

2009-01-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

It should be obvious to even the most fur-shrouded Sheepdog that Wall-E is a movie about a dog. Yes, it’s gussied up in space attire, and yes, Wall-E is a robot, but who do they think they’re kidding? He single-mindedly pursues his appointed task, except when distracted by an interesting toy. He spends his days digging in some very interesting-looking garbage piles, and keeps his den stuffed with things he picked up and carried home. Then he meets his mate and focuses solely on her, even at his own expense (wisely the film ends before they produce a litter… I think we can admit that dogs do not have a reputation for being doting dads, and perhaps we should look to our cousins who remain in the wild -- wolves -- for some guidance there). These are all attributes we dogs hold dear, and we live and die by them. People admire these values too. That’s why we work well together: they feed us, and we try (and try…) to pass on some of our wisdom. This also explains why so many canine themes show up, draped in costumes of other species (or, in this case, machines) in film.

Sorry, I’m rambling (I heard this one at day-boarding once: What’s shorter than a Dachshund’s forelegs? A Boxer’s attention span). Wall-E, in a word: Woof. Woof indeed.

Gran Torino

2009-01-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

Gran Torino is a movie about a Golden Lab named Daisy, and I wish I could sniff her because I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw her in Marley & Me (and kudos to the Labs’ union because they are tearing it up lately -- giving the German Shepherds a run for their money). Daisy runs into some trouble because of another pack-vs.-feral person storyline. In this case her person is the feral one, and frankly, pack or no pack, my sympathies were with him. He looks like the kind of guy who’d let you run around off-leash and then take you home and feed you meat. After doing some research I learned that this actor was mayor of Carmel, California, which is one of the most dog-friendly places I’ve been to. (This is off-topic, but I was walking down the street in Carmel once when an older German luxury car driven by an older woman pulled up next to me. The window rolled down and a dog stuck his nose out long enough to sniff at me. Then the window rolled up and the car drove away. I didn’t get to sniff the dog long enough to get a read on him, but I’d bet a treat or two that Doris Day was driving.) In any case, you know the rest: feral guy faces pack, scores Pyrrhic victory, roll credits… at which point you’ll notice that the dog star was once again left off them. When will this change? Still, I liked it. I want to go fetch a ball for the lead guy.

American Gangster

2009-01-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s Oscar time, and while I’m not necessarily a dog who follows such things I always make a sporting effort to see the big-category nominees. I hate not knowing what’s what when the awards are handed out; pack mentality and all. This one’s from last year but who cares? It’s not like the Academy is handing out voting privileges to dogs.

American Gangster (and if that doesn’t sound like a dog breed I don’t know what does) is an interesting study of two people who both see themselves as Alphas, one of which actually has a pack so he’s got a pretty good case for Alpha status, while the other one is a bit feral. And wouldn’t you know it -- the pack person has a dog! No surprise, it’s a German Shepherd (hey Shepherds -- can I join your union? Boxers don’t get a fraction of the bookings you guys do). There’s a lot of stuff going on that may or may not matter, but we come back to the Shepherd at key points to see that he’s doing what he’s born to do: guarding his person. Spoiler alert! Remember the guy who somewhat miraculously escapes a mauling in No Country? Well, here he shoots a dog again -- the Shepherd -- in quite a cowardly fashion. I try to tell myself he’s just an actor, but he’s got to be careful or he could get stereotyped as the “dog-killing guy.” After the Shepherd dies, of course, everything unravels. The feral guy catches up to the Alpha (now that he has no protection), dominates him, but then doesn’t even take over the pack. Not sure what that’s all about. American Gangsters are apparently a strange breed.

The Triplets of Belleville

2009-01-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

I’m not a cartoon dog. I’ve been turned off to the whole animation genre by too many depictions of tail-wagging simpletons, or even closer to home in the case of us brachycephalic breeds, monosyllabic thugs. A few years ago I tried to watch Princess Mononoke but I had to run and hide (what was that thing?). However, a member of the Movie Doghouse Facebook pack recently suggested I go see Waltz With Bashir and it sounded interesting, so I screwed up my nerve, put on my best “Service Dog -- Don’t Pet Me, I’m Working” face and trotted down to the local cinema. Unfortunately it didn’t work, the ushers obviously being big fans of Draconian rules, so here’s plan B: Les Triplettes de Belleville. (Pardon? Vous ne pensiez pas qu'un chien pouvait parler en francais?) Loved it! Bruno the Wonder Dog (indeterminate breed, but something other than a Shepherd for once… No offense guys!) leads an old person on a search for a member of their pack, and along the way he tells people what’s what -- including returning to his post up three flights of stairs and barking each and every time a train goes by the house. That’s the kind of dedication dogs are known for! At the same time he resists the (understandable) urge to bark at people on bicycles -- because his person rides a bike. Talk about a nuanced performance! But that’s not the best part. This film has the courage to show Bruno’s dreams. None of this “unconscious leg twitching” rationalizing that people seem so fond of. No, here we see it like it is: Bruno’s psyche rambling at will. C’est magnifique!

Marley & Me

2009-01-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

Can I just say one thing at the outset? My watch is useless! The buttons are so small I can’t start the stopwatch and I can’t get the light to go on. And I’m pretty damn good with my paws so this has nothing to do with me. I can open doors, drawers, refrigerators… But the watchmakers are too clever for me.

Sorry, I just had to rant. And thanks to my [BARK]ing watch I didn’t get any hit times in this movie. But you can pretty much start the timer at 0:01 and stop it when the copyright comes up because there are dogs all through Marley & Me. And I’m not talking about Rotties who mysteriously can't fight or sled dogs living on the feral edge. No, these are dogs like you and me: house-dwelling, car-riding (front seat!), poop-in-the-backyard dogs. It’s about time someone was brave enough to tell the tale of how we really live! Marley tears it up. Really, just shreds stuff. He drinks from the toilet. He wallows in kibble. Drags people around on the leash. Chases birds. This dog is speaking my language! (Or dogs, I should say -- apparently Golden Labs have an excellent union because they used their leverage to get something like 20 dogs employed for this one role. Though, sad to say, still no screen credit.) You’ll wag, you’ll bark -- you may even whimper a little. I’m not ashamed to say I did. I wouldn’t have minded seeing him eat some cat poop or even just a little grass, but these are minor quibbles. He does eat some of his own vomit so that was nice. There’s also a fine flashy Boxer in a crucial role near the end -- you go, my brother! This is one movie I wanted to pee on and mark as mine.

PS - There are people in it sometimes too and it sheds some interesting light on their mating habits. For instance, when they breed they apparently change hairstyles. And this poor pair only has one pup in each litter!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2009-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

I just don’t know what to say anymore about a movie with no dogs. How can one have a rollicking adventure without a dog? How can you sniff out treasure without a dog? How can you have evil military empires without dogs? Really, I don’t know what people are thinking. In Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull we have all of the above -- and no dogs. Now, I will say that this movie has some great rides. Lots of them. And plenty of old stuff that looks to smell fascinating (but as always you can’t small anything in a movie -- and when will that change? When dogs take over the world, that’s when. Not that we want to. We’re not cats.). As far as I could tell this movie is a big game of fetch with a couple of different packs of people fetching. They dig a little bit too. Interesting I suppose, but not nearly as interesting as, say, a Kong stuffed with peanut butter. Mmm… Kongs…

Man on Wire

2009-01-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying there are no dogs in Man on Wire, so it’s up to you if you want to keep reading. This appears to be a movie about a guy who likes to do tricks, namely running across wires like a squirrel. Now, I like to walk along the edge of curbs and I appreciate my fellow canines who work the agility circuit. Tricks can be fun: burrowing through tunnels, jumping over stuff, or balancing along a beam (or a curb). It hearkens back to a proud heritage we share of running through the forest, ferreting out prey, and... balancing. (Okay, I’m not sure what we would have been doing with the balancing. Something ferocious I am sure that has been lost to the haze of memory because it occurred, like, seventeen million dog years ago.) In any event the guy in this film apparently hearkens back to a proud heritage of being a squirrel, except that he’s not a squirrel, he’s a person, and the telephone line he’s running across is so high it’s pretty well out of my conceptual range. (Anything over jumping-down height is just too high if you ask me.) This squirrel-guy apparently wants to mark the two biggest buildings in the world by being the only person to run across this telephone line. Me, I would have just stayed at the bottom and peed on them.

Step Brothers

2008-12-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

In Step Brothers we have a film that actually allows a dog actor room to develop a character, threading his appearances through the storyline to make him as integral to the characters as a dog is in real life.

6:27 - we first meet the dog (A German Shepherd, and why am I not surprised, they truly have the best union of any performing dogs, worldwide, though being of German descent myself I have to kind of root for them) in the role of a seeing-eye dog for the neighbor of the main characters. The dog displays great comic timing here, leading his person in circles. This speaks to an improv background, maybe Second City or the Groundlings?

19:23 - the Shepherd is back (sorry I don’t have your name buddy; you got the job but your contract sucked because you were left off the credits!) and he grabs one of the stars, showing he’s also well-trained in stage combat (better than the Rotties in Dark Knight, IMHO); perhaps he comes from a classical theater background? In any event he shows the person what’s what.

20:02 - we see a big fight surrounded by people and no less than seven dogs cheering it on, mostly breeds from the sporting and working classes

45:13 - Spoiler Alert! One of the people sniffs and then tastes an old dog poop. Personally I wouldn’t eat dog poop and I don’t blame this guy for getting sick. Cat poop, now that’s a different story.

56:46 - another all-too-brief shot of our friend the Shepherd in a still.

1:09:22 - the Shepherd wakes up with the two main people after apparently sleeping in a yard all night. I ask you: why bother sleeping with people if you don’t get to sleep in a bed?

Outside of the Shepherd the movie is mostly about two juvenile males that scrap with each other (as you do) but also rely on each other (as you do). No surprises for any dogs in the audience. Props again to the nameless Shepherd.

Slumdog Millionaire

2008-12-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Slumdog Millionaire is my kind of movie. Okay, there’s only one slum dog in it and he’s only onscreen for about four seconds near the top of the film, but he gets title credit! Despite the lack of actual dogs this is a very dog-friendly film: lots of movement, lighting changes, people going for rides (on a train! I never thought of that), and even some food scenes. The story seems to involve one scrappy young pup who survives a tough upbringing (much like your Movie Doghouse host), isn’t afraid to scrap (ditto), and becomes a popular person that everyone, it seems, wants to play with (natch). I have to admit this one speaks to me in a way that supersedes my objectivity as a reviewer. Four paws in the air for Slumdog!

The Dark Knight

2008-12-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Who? What? How? The Dark Knight went in so many circles I felt like a Greyhound! I kid. But seriously, I had no idea what was going on. That’s okay, though, because there were good dog shots:

7:47 - a couple of very handsome Rottweilers make their first appearance, sending people running for their lives. Fine actors, Rotties, and you know they can usually back it up for real.

1:36:40 - a nice moment here when a person hangs out the window of a car and kicks it doggie style. We know how to enjoy a ride! You can almost believe he knows how to smell everything, which of course being a person he doesn’t but that's why they call it acting.

1:54:36 - the ever-popular German Shepherd shows up, in this case as a police dog sniffing a bridge, which means he’s probably looking for a place to pee. Not sure what that has to do with the movie.

2:06:56 - a computer animation shows that even as silhouettes, Rotties look sharp.

2:09:03 - the Rotties are back, in this case as a flying wedge looking for action (they look great backlit; see note above). I’m sorry to say that in this sequence the “hero” throws them all down an elevator shaft or something. The dogs obviously had no say in the fight choreography because it’s a pretty poor effort, even for a movie.

2:17:27 - the police Shepherds are back, and they’re talking smack.

2:23:24 - the movie ends with dramatic, noir-ish shots of the Shepherds on the trail of the guy who killed the Rottweilers, and you better believe that he runs like a rabbit once the Shepherds leave their plodding handlers behind. Just when you think they’ll catch up and rip out the guy’s backstraps he hops on a motorcycle and gets away. Isn’t that just like a person? Or a cat.

Knocked Up

2008-12-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

It’s hard for me to be sure without sniffing them, but some of these guys look an awful lot like some of the guys in Superbad. And you know what else? Neither movie has a dog in it. I think some people are worried about upstaging. Never fear! We are pack animals, and we’re not out for personal glory. We just want to help the pack. So why not invite us to play? We like to play. Got treats? Best friends! I just hope we’re not seeing the first wave of a blizzard of anticaninism bubbling up like a landslide. Anyway, Knocked Up is another mating story which follows a pair from breeding to whelping. It was a bit impersonal -- what sort of a mother doesn’t lick her pup when it’s born? -- but there are a couple of good rides in it, including a convertible (makes my nose twitch just thinking about it). But again, no dogs. And these look like the kind of guys who could use a dog.

Reprise

2008-12-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Too often dogs are relegated to the sidelines in movies or used as set dressing, paraded around like accessories. I suppose it will surprise no cineaste that it takes a small European movie to break the mold. That film is Reprise, which takes place in Norway. I have to admit I started chewing my paws about halfway through because, in spite of a lot of movement, there were no dogs to be seen and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with the two males and the female who are the central characters. There’s a quick fight (not much of a fight really, more like a Dachshund facing a Mastiff) and a mating scene but other than that they just seem confused. But then the plot turns, and thanks to who? A dog, that’s who. Spoiler alert! Okay, so one of the main guys is in a park, where he gets decked by the dog of an older male that he (the main guy) really admires. The dog looks to be a black German Shepherd, perhaps meant to stand in for a proper Norwegian Elkhound or Buhund, and if I were a dog actor in Norway I’d be calling my union about this. Or peeing on their front steps. This decking (and it’s harmless, really, all in good fun, but this is the Dachshund-guy so he tips right over) prompts the older male to take the younger male into his home to recuperate, and the younger male is happy or invigorated or something, blah blah blah… But it’s a great hit by the German/Norwegian dog (who is apparently as fine a stuntdog as he is an actor, though he was somehow left off the credits, and what is the Norwegian Dog Actor’s Union doing anyway?) and well worth seeing.

Never Cry Wolf

2008-12-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well. What can I say? Never Cry Wolf is dog porn, pure and simple. I’m not even going to put down all the dog scenes: I can’t count that high. My god, I just rolled over and scratched my back for 105 straight minutes while watching this movie. If I had a tail I think it would have wagged off. From the first appearance of the sled team (and an impressive bunch of ruffians they are) to the delicately-crafted family drama of the wolf pack, this will warm the heart of any fan of my (somewhat fractious) cousins from the northern breeds. And what a fine job they do, displaying a full range of emotions as they live a real Dog’s life (capital D) -- and you know I mean that in the best way. I’m secure enough to admit it here: I don’t have the fur to live like these dogs do. But it makes me misty-eyed to watch them roam and romp. And the mice! You know how watching someone eat something in a movie makes you hungry for it? I could crunch through dozens of mice while watching this movie. The major downside -- and this is pretty major -- is that the wolves’ model family of canine bliss is shattered by some [BARK]ing people with guns and one of those noisy flying things. But that’s at the end, and the pups find a new pack thanks to the dog-guy (who also eats mice in a very Bourdainian attempt at cross-cultural understanding). So it ends well, kind of, but there are a few people in this movie who really need to be bitten.

In the Name of the Father

2008-12-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

In the Name of the Father is a movie about people in kennels (for a change), and even though it takes place in Ireland (it's supposed to be England, but it was shot in Ireland) there are two dog shots which don’t even appear to be near the ocean: at 1:22:52 there are two German Shepherds doing some show walking in the play yard while people practice their show walking around them. The Shepherds do a much better job, IMHO, but I think that’s probably the point. Then at 1:39:02 you see the same play yard again, but this time only one Shepherd is show walking while the other one gets a nice pat from its person near the top of the screen (look for it). I guess the point being that the people are learning, the dogs have taught them well, and now they can follow along with just one dog showing them what to do. Then the shot changes and Shepherd #2 gets a little face time in the background -- good job buddy! Despite the Shepherds’ best efforts, this movie shows what happens when you don’t know anything about dogs, since they put an Alpha male in a kennel with a juvenile who’s trying to establish himself. Not surprisingly they snap at each other a lot, though strangely the Alpha never shakes the juvenile by the scruff of the neck. This appears to be a no-kill shelter and during the day there’s a doggie daycare-type deal where everyone is let out to play together. Of course this also leads to some fights. But it ends happily because the lead guy gets adopted by the family that gave him up in the beginning.

Once

2008-12-12T19:36:00.001-08:00

Once is a movie about mating, which I find really interesting even though I’m, as they say, “altered.” There are a couple of people who sniff around each other (though never in the right places) and get together for some group howls like proper wolves, which is nice to see, but they never actually mate. The female has a litter already (well, one pup -- maybe that's where the title comes from) so maybe she’s not in heat yet. What this movie says to me most of all is that dogs in Ireland are relegated to the seaside, because that’s the only place you see them. And not only that, but the Irish dogs apparently all emigrated because the only dogs in this movie are Border Collies. There’s a very flashy one being walked by a woman at 51:48 along the edge of a seawall, and a very black one playing on the beach (hunching down like they do; makes my back hurt just watching it) at 1:12:22. Other than that, no dogs. Oh, but the female person leads a machine around on a leash in the beginning of the movie. Maybe in Dublin they only allow robot pets.

No Country for Old Men

2008-12-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

No Country for Old Men has the makings of a good movie in the beginning, but there are some disturbing shots of a wounded Pit Bull at 6:50, and then a Pit who died in the line of duty at the eight-minute mark, so keep the puppies occupied on your teats or something for the first ten minutes. Make sure they’re paying attention at about 19:30 though, when another brave canine shows the people how to get things done by dramatically leaping into a river while he chases prey, a wounded man. You can almost feel the guy’s leg in your mouth as you watch the dog-hero chase him down on land and water, nothing standing in his way. Then the person kills the dog (why am I not surprised?), just barely, I should add, and it’s one of those places where you really have to suspend your disbelief. After that the people chase each other around. There’s one person with rabies or distemper or something, or maybe he’s a rescue, but anyway he’s really dominant and should probably be in a kennel by himself. But he’s not, and he goes after a lot of other people that sit there like rabbits and get killed. I like the way horses smell and there are a couple of them in this movie, but you can’t smell them. There’s also a scene with a bunch of cats. Whatever.

Superbad

2008-12-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

Superbad is an interesting study in pack behavior, as some lone males rejected by their pack attempt to lure some females away and mate with them. Not surprisingly the only successful one is the de facto Alpha, Fogel (aka McLovin), who establishes himself as the dominant male of this lone-wolf pack by leading the effort to buy food, in the form of beer and some other stuff that I didn’t catch. Fogel/McLovin then gets to go for lots of rides, further cementing his elevated status. Having established himself as the lead dog (or man, in this case) in the hierarchy he gets to mate, thus forming his own pack and displacing the two others, who wander off to try their luck elsewhere (later they cross paths with the very females they were pursuing and immediately split into two mating pairs, which seems unlikely but I guess it’s just a movie). I liked the pack dynamics and the rides, but where the [BARK] are the dogs? No dogs. In a movie that is obviously inspired by us (or maybe by wolves, but very definitely canines). Derivative? You decide.